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Deke's "I Need A Life" Book

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transparent filler Some of us lead useful, productive lives. Others just can't seem to find anything worthwhile to do. And so they tend to look for ways to annoy everybody else.

Sometimes they congregate and make it impossible to ignore them. This creates something known as T.U.R.D.S. (Trivial Utterances Requiring Dumbass Synergism).

This book provides a place to "honor" those who need to get a life. I will revise the list of honorees from time to time. (New entries will be at the top of the list so you don't have to search for them.) Nominations will be accepted. You must include justification for your nominees. I reserve the right to be the sole judge of worthiness for inclusion.

Don't bother to flame me if you don't like my opinions. The most you could gain is having yourself added to the list.

And now, the current honor roll:
  1. Wii Fit. Like I need a smart assed machine telling me I'm unbalanced and asking if I fall down when I walk.
  2. The National Federation of the Blind. They want their membership to boycott Disney because Mr. Magoo is about to be revived and they think he is offensive to the blind (even though he is extremely nearsighted, not blind). I say, if you don't like it, don't watch it. Come to think of it, I don't guess they can. Oops, there I go being insensitive again. I'm not unsympathetic to the sight-impaired and I admire them for the way they are able to deal with their handicap. But most blind people I have met had a good sense of humor, including the ability to joke about blindness (kind of like those of us named Dick learn to come to grips with our name (I know, I pushing the limits of my PG-13 rating)). Now, the NFB wants them to be the latest to jump on the "I've been offended" bandwagon. Maybe their contributers should boycott the NFB. On second thought, maybe I need to change my attitude. After all, I'm pretty nearsighted myself and my vision is impaired by floaters. Hey, Disney! I'm starting to feel offended. Quit poking fun at me, dammit!
  3. People who send you junk e-mail containing a statement like "We don't want to send you unwanted mail". My standard reply: "Duh. I think you just did."
  4. "Activists" of any flavor. Believe what you want. Do what you want. But get out of my face with it. Uh, Oh! Guess this applies to me, too. Now I'm going to have to abandon my "Weeds Are People, Too" crusade.
  5. Heaven's Gate cultists. Oops, it's too late for them. At least they provided the basis for some good comedy (like Bill Marr's statement upon finding out that they had been castrated: "I guess there weren't as many nuts in the group as we once thought."). Lm wanted me to include Rush Limbaugh in the book because he spent a week ranting about this topic. Sorry, Lm, but who didn't?
  6. The South Carolina Legislature. These folks have spent the better part of two legislative sessions debating whether the confederate flag should continue to fly over the state house. Along with them, I include the people on both sides of the issue who seem to have an unlimited capacity for wasting time and money either being offended by a piece of cloth or worrying that the world will forget the Civil War.
  7. People who put a "Click Here To Enter" page in front of their real web site. As if we don't already spend enough time waiting for stuff to download.
  8. Lance Ito. He had a chance at a life before and blew it. Can't help but wonder if his laptop is tuned into the smut sites on the web now that he doesn't have O.J.'s dream team to entertain him.
  9. Telemarketers. Especially long distance phone companies. Do I need to explain?
  10. Bill Gates. Oops, wrong book. That one was supposed to be in the book of people who want YOUR life.
  11. Hilarity Clinton. Bill gets to have a life, why not her? On second thought, isn't there just some way to get them both out of MY life?
  12. People who clone sheep. Sheep already look enough alike.
  13. Me, of course. If I had a life, do you think I would waste my time writing this stuff that nobody is going to read?
The book remains open. Who will be next?

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